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Addressing Envelopes
Assembling & Mailing Your Invitations/Announcements
Asking for Money
Calling off the Wedding
Do’s & Don’ts of Thank You Cards
The Groom’s Cake
Mother of the Bride
Mother of the Groom
Responsibilities of the Best Man
Responsibilities of the Bride’s Maid
Save the Date Announcements
The Wedding Dance
Who Pays for What?
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Addressing Envelopes
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Traditionally, all invitations come with two envelopes both an inner and an outer.
All envelopes should be written by hand, and not typed or addressed
with pre-printed labels.
Inner Envelopes
Used primarily with formal invitations, the ungummed inner envelope is simply addressed “Mr. and Mrs. Taylor” (first names omitted, no address).
All family members should be included, however it is best not to use the words “and family.” Instead, list all guests’ names, keeping in mind that names of children may be spelled out, for example: “Joshua, Annie and Mason,” and written below the parents’ names in order of age.
Feel free to address close relatives and friends informally, such as: “Aunt Alice” or “Brad and Kim.”
If you are including an invitation for an escort whose name you do not know, you will need to ask for the escort’s name. It is preferable to send the escort a separate invitation.
Middle names may be eliminated or written in full.
Mr. and Mrs. Taylor
Joshua, Annie and Mason
After the inner envelope is addressed, it is inserted along with all accompanying enclosure items into the outer envelope.
Outer Envelopes
Outer envelopes should be addressed using no abbreviations with the exception of non-professional titles. (Mr., Mrs., Jr., Esq., etc.) Professional titles such as Doctor, should be spelled out.
With the exception of "One,” all house numbers are written in figure form.
Apartment, suite, and rural route numbers and zip codes are written in figure form.
Do not use symbols; spell out the word “and.”
Write out state names as well as the words “Street,” “Boulevard,” “Avenue,” etc.
Doctor and Mrs. Steven Johnson
2017 Hylan Boulevard #18
State Island, New York 11128
Mr. and Mrs. Michael Taylor
One Hillside Avenue
Tuscon, Arizona 55012
To ensure safe delivery of your invitations, have your return address written or printed on the back flap of the outer envelope. This way, any invitations with incorrect or undeliverable addresses will be returned to you.
(TOP)
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Assembling & Mailing Your Invitations/Announcements
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For truly formal events, there are certain rules of etiquette that are observed when writing an invitation. For less formal situations you can be more creative. Here are some things to remember when you’re composing a formal invitation:
1. Write out names in full, including middle names. Omit a middle name if necessary, rather than using an initial.
2. It’s appropriate to use the British spelling for "honour" and "favour", unless you prefer to use the American spelling of these words.
Spell out all words, including the hour, the date and the year. Spell out all words in the address, including Street, Road and Avenue. The two exceptions to this rule in an address are Saint (St.) and Mount (Mt.)
3. Use Roman numerals in names, rather than "the third" or "3rd."
4. For ceremonies taking place in a house of worship, use "request the honour of your presence." Ceremonies taking place in a non-religious setting should say, "request the pleasure of your company."
5. Don’t run short — plan to order 10% more that the amount needed. This will take care of last minute additions and allow for mistakes in addressing envelopes.
6. Mail all of your invitations with first-class postage six to eight weeks before the event. Announcements, which are sent only to those who are not invited, should be mailed on the same day of — or immediately after — the event.
Preparing to Mail
Step 1:
With the back of the inner, ungummed envelope and the front of the invitation facing you, put the invitation and it’s protective tissue sheet in, folded edge first.
Step 2:
On top of that, put in the reception invitation also facing up.
Step 3:
Last, put in the response card, also printed side up. It should be lying within the flap of the small response envelope (which faces down).
Step 4:
Any other insertions, such as a map or directions, should go in last.
Step 5:
Address ungummed inside envelope with name only and insert in outer envelope. The name on the inner envelope should face the back of the outer envelope.
Step 6:
Address the outer envelope and the response envelope by hand. Use calligraphy if possible.
Step 7:
Choose an attractive postage stamp that will complement the overall look of your invitations.
Step 8:
If you bring your invitations to the post office, you can request that they be hand canceled that will minimize any unsightly marks or damage caused by machine canceling.
(TOP)
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Asking for Money
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Money – to ask or not to ask, that is the question. And the answer is definitely not to ask…but that doesn’t mean someone can’t get the word out for you.
So…what’s the real story about money as a wedding gift? The first part of the story is that it is never appropriate for the bride or groom to ask for money or to include a request for money in their wedding invitation. If it is what they want or need the most, they should get the word out through family members, and it absolutely should never come from them, even if they are asked point-blank. Should that happen, the response might be that any gift is more than welcome, although money is high on their wish list because…(fill in the blank). Guests will appreciate, and are more likely to feel comfortable, giving cash if they know how their gift may be used. For example, if the bride and groom are saving for a downpayment on a home or for household furnishings, honeymoon, etc. (It is a good idea to include its use in your thank you note, as well.)
The rest of the story is that money seems to be not only a much-needed commodity by most young couples starting out, but also a gift that most people are willing to give. According to Peggy Post, famous etiquette author Emily Post’s great-granddaughter-in-law and current spokesperson for the Emily Post Institute, "for many couples, money makes an ideal gift. And there are terrific options in monetary gifting today; guests should consider alternatives to cash and personal checks such as universal gift certificates..."
American Express also offers a Gift Check that comes attractively packaged in a gold envelope, looking very "wedding giftish." According to American Express Vice President Kristine Olson, the elegant presentation of Gift Checks has a definite impact on the gift recipient. "What we find with Gift Checks is that there’s a special, keepsake value unlike cash or personal checks. Couples actually hold onto Gift Checks they receive until they find the exact, perfect thing they want to buy with them, whether they want to put it toward furnishing their house or even to help pay for their wedding," says Olson.
The bottom line is that requests for money continue to be a somewhat delicate subject, but it is acceptable and must just be handled with sensitivity and diplomacy.
You can do that.
(TOP)
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Calling off the Wedding
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You have heard it said on more than one occasion, "better a broken engagement today, than a broken home tomorrow." At some point during wedding planning, many couples have normal doubts and last minute jitters. After all, it is only natural. The importance of choosing a mate cannot be over emphasized. There are few decisions in life so important and of such lasting consequence.
A broken engagement is painful for everyone involved. If the engagement has not been formally announced, the word can be simply passed to a few friends who will tell other people. When passing along such sensitive information, it is important to maintain the privacy of those involved.
If the engagement has been announced in the papers, a brief announcement to the effect that it is now broken is in order. The announcement should read something to the effect:
Mr. and Mrs. Ronald C. Phillips announce that
the engagement of their daughter
Kristine Marie and Mr. Kevin Allen Whitmire
has been ended by mutual consent.
If the wedding invitations have been sent, a printed announcement is the proper way to make the broken engagement known. However, if the engagement is broken only a few days prior to the wedding, the news must be passed around as quickly as possible. To do this, the family may have to resort to the telephone, as well as printed announcements. Suggested wording for the announcement:
Mr. and Mrs. Ronald C. Philips
announce that the marriage of their daughter
Kristine Marie to
Mr. Kevin Allen Whitmire
will not take place.
Occasionally, there may be reason to postpone a wedding due to a death in the family or serious illness. In the case of a postponement, it is important all guests be notified as soon as possible. Remember, some guests may have plane reservations to cancel and reschedule. In the event of a postponement, an explanation is proper, whereas in the case of an outright cancellation, no explanation is given. If time permits, formal announcements may be printed, however, handwritten notes are also appropriate. Suggested wording for a notice of postponement may read as follows:
Mr. and Mrs. Ronald C. Phillips
Regret that they are obliged to recall
the invitations to the marriage of their daughter
Kristine Marie to Mr. Kevin Allen Whitmire
Due to the death of Mr. Whitmire’s father,
James Edward Whitmire.
If the wedding is still to take place, the following can also be added to the above announcement:
The ceremony will be held privately
In the presence of the immediate family.
The occasion may also arise when the invitations to a reception must be recalled. The following wording is appropriate in the instance where the ceremony will take place, but not the reception.
Mr. and Mrs. Ronald C. Phillips
Regret that owing to a death in the family
They are obligated to recall the invitations
To the marriage reception of their daughter
On Saturday, the first day of October
Two Thousand and Nine.
The marriage ceremony will take place
As originally planned.
(TOP)
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The Groom’s Cake
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The groom’s cake is a smaller cake that is served at the wedding reception. Young women (unmarried) will want to take a piece of the groom’s cake home to place under their pillows and the old wives tale says "they will marry whomever they dream of that night."
We recommend that the groom’s mother bake the groom’s cake herself. It can be anything from fruitcake to chocolate...whatever the groom loves. You may want to encourage the bride to wrap small slices of the groom’s cake in tin foil, wrapped around with net and tied with a nice bow as a favor to be passed out at the reception. Include a little note with each piece of cake explaining the "old wives tale."
(TOP)
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Mother of the Bride
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The Primary responsibility of the Mother of the Bride is to see that the bride’s wishes are carried out the bride’s way. It will be your responsibility to help the bride plan her wedding with her tastes in mind…not your’s, unless, it is the true desire of the bride to "let mom run things."
Here are your primary responsibilities:
1. Help the bride select her wedding attire. Remember, this is not your wedding. If you find yourself talking the bride out of a gown she loves, you may be overreaching.
2. Help the bride and groom decide on a wedding budget. Settling money issues upfront is always best. A good clear budget will help everyone with their expectations.
3. In the event that the Mother of the Groom does not contact you, you will make the first contact.
4. See that the guest lists are put together. The invitations must be ordered as soon as possible, and the guest list will be critical in making your invitation order.
5. Reservations for out-of-town guests, invited by the bride’s family, are the responsibility of the mother of the bride. It will be much more convenient if a block of rooms are reserved at a nearby hotel, which is near her home.
6. Choose your gown for the wedding day. Immediately tell the Mother of the Groom the colors and style so that she may begin looking for a complimentary gown. Send a swatch of material to the Mother of Groom if possible.
7. See that instructions for the actual ceremony are given. This includes the seating schedule and the receiving line at reception, as well as any special touches the bride may choose to have at her wedding.
8. The role as mother of the bride, in the ceremony, may include lighting the family candle on the altar, along with the mother of the groom. Family candles are lit after the candle lighters have left the altar area, and prior to the entrance of the wedding party.
9. Find a trusted friend or family member who is not in the wedding party to assist you throughout the wedding. You are the hostess for the entire event! Find someone who will help you with some of the details…sometimes a professional is best.
10. Be familiar with the responsibilities of the Maid of Honor. You may want to have a conversation with the Maid of Honor to coordinate and avoid stepping on each other’s toes.
(TOP)
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Mother of the Groom
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The mother of the groom is often at a loss as to exactly what role she plays in the marriage of her son. This is even more true when she has not participated previously in a wedding for a daughter or other sibling. The following rules of etiquette are shared to increase the joy and fulfill the traditional responsibilities of the mother of the groom.
Her responsibilities include:
1. The first rule of etiquette to be followed upon receiving news of the impending nuptials is to initiate contact between the families. Introducing herself and her husband to the bride’s parents is her first responsibility. This may be as simple as making a call to the bride’s mother and telling her how happy she is about the engagement or an informal invitation to dinner at their home. If preferred, dinner at a nice restaurant is always in order. This may be with or without the couple in attendance. Note: If the parents live far away, a friendly letter is appropriate. A snapshot of the family and maybe even one of her son as a small child is always welcomed by the bride’s mother and is a kind gesture.
2. The importance of providing an accurate and timely guest list can neither be over emphasized, nor the importance of sticking to the guidelines given her as to the number of guests she many invite. Remember to include zip codes.
3. It is the bride’s mother who will first select a dress for her daughters wedding. A gown of complimentary color and similar styling is then chosen by the mother of the groom. She must wear long if the bride’s mother wears long or short if she wears short. The color should not match the bridesmaids, nor the bride’s mother, but compliment both.
4. Reservations for out-of-town guests, invited by the groom’s family, are the responsibility of the mother of the groom. It will be much more convenient if a block of rooms are reserved at a nearby hotel, which is near her home.
5. It is the responsibility of the groom’s parents to host the rehearsal dinner. This can be as simple as a salad potluck with paper plates in the backyard or as elaborate as an exotic dinner with live entertainment in the finest restaurant. Everyone who takes a part in the ceremony is invited to the dinner. It is proper etiquette to invite the spouse or significant other of those participating, and the parents of children in the wedding.
6. Scheduled family photographs, prior to the wedding, will dictate the groom’s parents time of arrival. If photos are not scheduled to be taken before the ceremony, the arrival should be no less than one hour before the appointed time.
7. As the wedding begins, the groom’s mother will be escorted down the aisle, to the first pew, right-hand side, by the head usher or a groomsman who is a family member. A nice touch includes the groom escorting his mother down the aisle. As the groom’s mother is escorted to her seat, her husband will follow along behind. However, if the parents are divorced, the father of the groom will have been seated previously, two pews behind the mother.
8. The role as mother of the groom, in the ceremony, may include lighting the family candle on the altar, along with the mother of the bride. Family candles are lit after the candle lighters have left the altar area, and prior to the entrance of the wedding party.
9. The first official duty of the mother of the groom, during the reception is to stand in the receiving line greeting guests and introducing her friends and family to the bride and her family. Traditionally she stands between the bride and her mother. If the fathers of the couple choose to stand in the line, she will stand between them.
10. Be familiar with the responsibilities of the Maid of Honor. You may want to have a conversation with the Maid of Honor to coordinate and avoid stepping on each other’s toes.
(TOP)
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Do’s & Don’ts of Thank You Cards
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Note
A personal thank you note is the only appropriate way to say "Thank You!" At one time, notes were not considered necessary when you thanked someone in person. Today, with guest lists being longer and guests busier, a personal thank you note is the only way to make sure sincere appreciation is expressed. Just telling someone who has given you a gift, how much you appreciate it, does not "cut the cake!"
1. Never, Never, Never, send a preprinted thank you card. When you send a preprinted card, you are telling the person receiving the thank you that their gift didn’t mean enough to you to even receive a mention in your note. A warm personalized, handwritten note, regardless how brief, tells the guest how much you appreciated the gift and how it will be cherished for years to come. Handwritten notes express sincerity.
2. Be sure to send thank you notes to friends and relatives who arrange showers and parties for you. It is appropriate to thank them for the party or shower in the same card you send thanking them for their gift.
3. When you receive more than one gift from someone, each gift must be recognized with its own thank you card. If you receive a shower gift from a friend or relative and then, three weeks later, receive a wedding gift from the same person, it is not appropriate to thank them in one card. Shower gifts should be acknowledged within ten days of the party and wedding gifts within two weeks after returning from the honeymoon. Wedding gifts arriving in advance of the wedding, should be responded to immediately, so that an extended period of time does not pass between receiving the gift and it’s thank you.
4. Be sure to put your new return address on all thank you cards. Your guests will appreciate having your current and correct address.
5. Although colored ink is readily available in your favorite stationery store today, it is still more appropriate to write your notes in dark blue or black. It is more easily readable.
6. When writing thank you notes, never start the note with "I." Always use "you" more than "I" or "me" in the note.
(TOP)
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Responsibilities of the Best Man
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1. Make absolutely sure that the groom has the marriage license with him.
2. Receive the minister’s fee from the groom and give it to the minister privately following the ceremony.
3. Help the groom pack for his honeymoon.
4. Help the groom dress for the ceremony.
5. If a ring bearer is to be in the wedding, the Best Man is responsible to oversee the child and be sure he understands his duties. (See note below)
6. Assist with luggage arrangements for both the bride and the groom so that everything will be ready for their departure.
7. Make sure car or travel arrangements are set and that the groom is carrying any necessary reservations, tickets, money and travelers checks.
8. The Best Man will want to ride to the church with the groom.
9. It is the Best Man’s responsibility to make sure the ushers are together and ready before the ceremony begins. Many weddings have been delayed by dilly dallying ushers who are either cutting up to relieve the tension they feel or are out having the last quick puff on a cigarette.
10. Alert ushers as to the ladies who will be wearing flowers and make sure they are not seated before receiving them.
11. Check all the men’s boutonnieres. These should always be worn on the left lapel, stem down.
12. Perform any task or errand the groom or the bride’s mother may request at the church.
13. If applicable, remind the groom to remove his gloves as the bride comes down the aisle.
14. Be first at the reception in order to welcome the bride and groom.
15. The Best Man is responsible to make the first toast to the bride and groom at the wedding. The Best Man is also responsible to make the first toast at the rehearsal dinner.
16. The Best Man should act as a host, making introductions when necessary and helping to make the guests feel welcome.
17. The Best Man should dance at the reception with the bride, both mothers and as many of the bridal attendants and guest as possible.
18. Help the groom change into his travel clothes after the reception. Find out when the bride is ready to leave and with the maid/matron of honors, help the bride and groom depart.
19. Return the groom’s tuxedo to the tux shop or if it belongs to the groom, be responsible for taking it to the cleaners.
20. Order flowers for the bride and groom’s room at the first stop of the honeymoon trip.
21. Another responsibility of the Best Man may include the signing of the marriage certificate. This is not only a legal document but also a beautiful keepsake for the couple. Many times, the Best Man is not aware that his signature may be required and he may be off with the guests.
Note about ring bearer
The Best Man has the responsibility of carrying the bride’s wedding ring. However, many times the couple will also want to have a ring bearer. We recommend that the "real" ring be kept safe in the pocket of the Best Man. Why? Just remember the boy with stage fright who never made it down the aisle…or even better, the ring bearer who argued with the Best Man when he tried to remove the ring and then cried his eyes out when the Best Man took it away.
(TOP)
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Responsibilities of the Bride’s Maid
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Note
Remember, this is the bride’s day. Your job is to assist the bride and help her day be as carefree and special as possible. As a maid of honor, you should set the tone among the women in the bridal party. Stay cool and never out shine the bride. It truly is an honor to serve.
1. Attending all prenuptial parties.
2. Help address invitations and announcements.
3. Entertain a party for the bride and groom…if possible. This could be a couple’s shower.
4. Assist bride with going away clothes and luggage.
5. Be sure that bridesmaids are kept aware of their fitting appointments, rehearsal obligations and any special duties that the bride may wish for them to do.
6. Arrange with a florist for a supply of rose petals to shower on the bride and groom as they leave. If a flower girl is in the party, she is responsible to see that the child knows when and how to do this.
7. Arrive at the church or home of the bride early enough to help with bride and bridesmaids with dressing (at least 2 hours early).
8. Remind the best man which ladies will be wearing their flowers (Mother, grandmothers, organist, soloist, hostesses, etc.).
9. Assist bride with her train during ceremony and in the receiving line.
10. Hold the bride’s wedding bouquet for the exchange of rings during the ceremony and hand it back just before the recessional.
11. In a double ring ceremony, carry the groom’s ring until it is time to hand it to the minister.
12. Assist the photographer with identification of the members of the bridal party and later for pictures, which are taken at the church and reception. Be sure to find the kind of candid shots the bride may want of the out-of-town guests. Be certain the photographer has taken an appropriate number of these candid shots.
13. Witness and sign the marriage certificate after the ceremony.
14. Stand in the receiving line. The traditional place to stand is at the groom’s left side with her bridesmaids to her left.
15. Assist the bride when she is ready to change into here going away ensemble.
16. With the best man, help the couple depart.
17. See that the bride’s gown is taken care of according to her wishes. Usually taken to the bride’s home or to a cleaner.
(TOP)
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Save the Date Announcements
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You’re engaged! You have set the date, booked the church and the reception hall and now you can start thinking about that guest list. Whether your wedding is to be a grand and elaborate affair, or just a simple gathering, you want all of your guests to be there. Why not send out Save the Date cards? Save the Date cards are especially helpful if you are planning a destination wedding or your nuptials will be held over a holiday. But, regardless of your wedding location, your guests will appreciate the advance notice. Also, you have the added satisfaction of knowing that your wedding is on their calendars. Many Save the Date cards now include photos and magnets that will provide an even longer lasting impression.
Save the Date cards can be mailed up to one year, or more, in advance of your wedding and should mention that an invitation will follow. Make sure that your guest list does not need any thinning as every guest that receives a Save the Date should receive an invitation and vice versa. Keep the wording simple. All you really need are your names, wedding date and the location. You may opt for a Save the Date that matches your invitations but don’t limit yourself. There are also many fun designs that just may speak to your lighter side.
(TOP)
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The Wedding Dance
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Dancing at your reception is a lovely way to bring an air of elegance and family togetherness to a wonderfully happy and joyous occasion.
Traditionally, the bride and groom will be the first to dance as their special song is played softly. Lights dimmed low create a romantic atmosphere.
As the music continues to play, the father of the bride will cut in on the groom and dance with his daughter. The groom asks the bride’s mother to join him in a dance and together they grace the dance floor.
The groom’s father then cuts in on the bride’s father and dances with the bride himself. The bride’s father will then cut in on the groom and dance with his wife.
The groom will then ask his mother to dance. Following this, the parents exchange dances with the other couple.
The best man then comes out to ask the bride to dance and the groom will dance with the maid or matron of honor. Finally, the entire wedding party, ushers and bridesmaids join in the festivities. Once the entire bridal party and their parents are on the dance floor, the other guests are invited to dance.
The "money dance" originated as a custom in Poland, and is a popular tradition found celebrated in the weddings of today. It takes place sometime after the first dance and is usually announced by the DJ. It is customary for the best man to begin dancing with the bride, pinning money onto her gown or putting it into a satin bag carried by the bride, especially for the money dance. A newer rendition of this money dance includes bridesmaids and other ladies dancing with the groom, pinning money on his lapel.
(TOP)
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Who Pays for What?
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Working out a budget for your wedding is one of the first things that should be done, once the date is set. Will the ceremony be formal, semiformal or informal? A formal wedding, of course, will be the most expensive and the informal, the least. Nothing is set in concrete. Who pays for what? Unlike a decade ago, the lines are no longer rigidly drawn. The burden of paying for the wedding has shifted in recent years from the shoulders of the father of the bride, to include the groom’s family. Also, with many couples marrying later and having money of their own, they are sharing in the expenses.
There are no longer any hard and fast rules as to "Who Pays for What", but a general guideline follows as to the traditional breakdown.
Wedding Gown, Headpiece & Accessories — The Bride’s Family
Wedding Ring for Bride — The Groom
Wedding Ring for Groom — The Bride
Wedding Gift for Groom — The Bride
Wedding Gift for Bride — The Groom
Bridesmaid Gifts — The Bride
Groomsmen/Usher Gifts — The Groom
Bride’s Bouquet — The Groom
Bridesmaid Bouquets — The Bride’s Family
Mother’s Corsages — The Groom
Grandmother Corsages — The Bride’s Family
Groom’s Boutonniere — The Groom
Groomsmen Boutonnieres — The Groom
Usher’s Boutonnieres — The Groom
Ceremony/Reception Flowers — The Bride’s Family
Altar Baskets/Arches — The Bride’s Family
Canopy/Carpet — The Bride’s Family
Kneeling Bench/Candleabrahs — The Bride’s Family
Rented Items for Wedding — The Bride’s Family
Rented Items for Reception — The Bride’s Family
Invitations/Announcements — The Bride’s Family
Wedding Programs — The Bride’s Family
Napkins/Matches/Printed Items — The Bride’s Family
Marriage License — The Groom
Medical Visit for Bride — The Bride
Medical Visit for Groom — The Groom
Church Fee — The Bride’s Family
Clergyman/Officiant Fee — The Groom
Musician/Soloist — The Bride’s Family
Church Janitor — The Bride’s Family
Reception Hall Fee — The Bride’s Family
Catered Reception/Professional Services — The Bride’s Family
Wedding Photography — The Bride’s Family
Video Photography — The Bride’s Family
Orchestra/Band/DJ — The Bride’s Family
Wedding Cake — The Bride’s Family
Wedding Favors — The Bride’s Family
Groom’s Cake — The Groom’s Family
Rice Bags — The Bride’s Family
Rehearsal Dinner — The Grooms Family
Bridesmaid Luncheon — The Bride
Bachelor Party — Best Man/Groom’s Attendants
Wedding Breakfast — The Bride’s Family
Bridal Brunch — The Bride’s Family
Bridesmaid’s Gowns — Bridesmaid’s
Maid of Honor Gown — Maid of Honor
Matron of Honor Gown — Matron of Honor
Best Man Formal Wear — Best Man
Usher’s Formal Wear — Ushers
Groomsmen’s Formal Wear — Groomsmen
Gloves/Ties/Ascots for Attendants — The Groom
Father of Bride Formal Wear — Bride’s Family
Father of Groom Formal Wear — Groom’s Family
Children’s Formal Wear — The Children’s Parents
Limousine Service — The Groom
Honeymoon Arrangements — The Groom
Travel Expenses to the Wedding — The Out-of-town Attendant or Family Member
Accommodations for out-of town Guests — The Bride
Gifts for the Couple — Guest, Attendants and Family
(TOP)
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